Putting the link to my music page on this #kamilawriting blog post here just to share His miracle in my life with you. Nung years (we’re talking about decades!) na dumadaan ako sa severe depression (yung functional kind na hindi halata kasi nakaka-perform ka pa ng tasks), WALANG SINGING VOICE na lumalabas sa akin.
I would try to hit one note…it would never come out correctly.
I would try to hit high notes…only squeaks came out.
The inspiration to sing was gone. I was carrying a broken heart within me that prevented me from celebrating the gift of music that God gave me. What made it even more heartbreaking was the fact that I was a worship leader. Leading worship was one of the first tasks that God graciously gave me when I became a Christian.
And now my voice is back. Not perfect (I have long decided to let go of my tendency to go overboard with perfectionism which is also a sign of a broken spirit) but definitely back.
I will therefore make use of it for God for as long as He allows me to use it. And then just enjoy practicing as often as I can, learning from the masters, going as far as I am able.
Enjoying the journey.
There are no words to describe this miraculous work of God in my life. Glory to Him alone forever.
He gives POWER to the FAINT; and to them that have no might He INCREASES STRENGTH. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But THEY that wait upon the LORD shall renew their STRENGTH; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; THEY SHALL RUN, and not be weary; and THEY SHALL WALK, AND NOT FAINT. ~ ISAIAH 40:29-31
(Wendy Ida, champion strength trainer. Fanako, sobra. Yung lakas at liksi, grabe. Dream ko iyan.)
Grateful right now that I found Logan Christopher of legendarystrength.com on YouTube. Andun sa baba nitong blog post na ito yung YT video niya na pinanood ko. (Nakakuha ako ng sobrang encouragement dun.)
Naghahanap ako ng tutulong sa akin araw-araw na magkaroon ng motivation to seriously resume strength training (after 12 years! Grabe…) and STAY motivated to never give it up until the day God takes me home.
Yun kasing ibang mga nagtuturo, ayoko….Masyadong aggressive, parang mga mangangain ng tao, tapos sobrang putok na putok ang mga muscles. Hindi ako happy na makita yung ganun, hahaha! At ayoko ring maging ganun. (Although sina Ernestine Shepherd at Wendy Ida, parehong mga senior citizens na, sobrang bongga. Sumali sa mga bodybuilding contests…) E pero ayoko pa rin yung ganung mga itsura na putuk-putok yung mga muscles…Ang gusto ko lang, LUMAKAS NANG TODO. LEGENDARY STRENGTH.
Naramdaman ko na iyon noon nung yung fitness coach ni Jacky Lou Blanco, tinuruan ako kung papa’no kumain, anong mga gagawing strength training exercises, pa’no magcompute ng weight goals, mga ganun. (Nakasama ko sa isang Bible study yung mama ni Coach Louie kaya nag-cross yung paths namin.) And sure enough — talagang ang laki ng difference ng BEFORE and AFTER photos ko. Sisiw lang magbuhat ng mga sakong mabibigat, pati tumakbo nang naka-heels habang naghahabol ng mga makukulit na estudyanteng pasaway.
Hay, sobrang nakakahinayang….
E kasi naman….Matitindi din ang pinagdaanan ng lola n’yo emotionally and mentally. Yung mental strength na sinasabi ni Logan Christopher dito sa video, na dapat meron ka para tuluy-tuloy yung progress mo, COMPROMISED sa ‘kin nung mga panahong iyon. I battled depression for decades. And then may mabibigat na nangyari sa personal life ko, sa marriage ko noon…Hindi na kinaya ng powers.
Bumigay. Huminto sa workout. Naghihiga sa katre for days. Weeks. Parang months din ‘ata ang inabot. Nung dumating yung time na kinaya ko nang unti-unting bumangon para ayusin yung buhay ko, wala na….Mataba na uli ako…At patuloy na tumaba, bumigat, nagdoble pa yung timbang ko kumpara sa weight ko nung nagsimula akong mag-strength training nung 2010.
Ramdam ko noon….Gusto talaga ng Diyos na tulungan ako. Wasak na wasak ang kalooban ko araw-araw dahil sa dysfunctional family life na meron kami. Hindi ko napapansin, bumibigay na rin yung emotional health ko dahil sa silent inner pain. Wala kang masabihan. Yung mga pinagkatiwalaan mong sabihan, sa hope na makakatulong silang ayusin yung pamilya mo, hindi ka pinaniwalaan.
It was learned helplessness all the way. Wala…tinanggap na lang yung kawalan ng pag-asang mabago pa yung mga bagay na nangyayari. Tinanggap na lang na trapped na.
Bumagsak yung mental health ko, tumaba ako na parang balyena, nagdevelop ng osteoarthritis sa sobrang stress at bigat ng katawan, inaasar, pinagtatawanan kasi hindi makalakad nang walang tungkod. Naging mababa ang tingin ko sa sarili ko, dahil ramdam ko rin na mababa na rin ang tingin sa akin ng mga mahal ko sa buhay.
Nag-therapy ako. Nakatulong. Pero may ilan pang matitinding hampas ang diyablo sa buhay ko na nagdala sa akin sa mas matinding depression. Nagkasakit pa ako sa balat….Nawalan ng pamilya….Nawalan ng bahay.
Sabi nga nung ibang mga kapatiran, parang si JOB sa Bible.
E kumusta naman ako ngayon? Ayun…Siyempre Kaninong Lakas manggagaling yung RESCUE? E di sa PANGINOONG JESUS, saan pa ba? Wala nang ibang panggagalingan yung lakas na iyon. Na heto ako, buo ang isip, puno ng pag-asa, nakaalpas sa trahedya, malayang gawin ang mga pinagagawa ng Diyos, nakakapagturo pa ng Bibliya, walang hinanakit sa Diyos, walang SENSE OF SHAME!
Grabe. Yun yung pinaka-importante. Yung lalabas ka sa yungib nang walang takot sa iniisip at sasabihin ng ibang tao. Hindi ko made-describe sa salita kung paano ako nagkaroon ng ganung lakas. Tingin ko, kasama yung DESISYON na MAGPATAWAD.
Lahat. Lahat ng nakasakit, naka-damage sa akin. Lahat binitawan. Tingin ko, doon nagsimula yung healing. Doon nakakilos nang malaya ang Holy Spirit para mapagaling ako. Wala na kasing negatibong mga emosyon na nakaharang. Wala nang galit. Tsaka…ang napaka-importante rin…pinatawad ko yung sarili ko.
Sa pagiging shunga-shunga sa maraming bagay.
Kaya heto. Susubok ulit. And I pray this time, I really make it. Sobrang dream ko iyan. Strength training, something that I loved doing, has to become my passion, my lifestyle, if I am to succeed at becoming physically strong. May dagdag din akong motivation….I will be 60 next year. Ayokong maging baldado, ayokong iika-ika lumakad, ayokong magbantay ng sugar level, ayokong manguluntoy na parang pasas, ayokong mamatay sa katre na nakaasa nang matagal sa ibang tao para magpakain sa akin nang de-tubo. ‘Nayyyyyy……LORD God, ayoko talaga….Kung kukunin Mo po ako, kunin Mo ‘ko bago ako maratay sa kama o umasa sa wheelchair, ayoko talaga po.
Si Wendy Ida, 70 years old nangayon pero 65 years old siya dun sa picture niya sa itaas. Ang lakas pa rin parang trenta anyos lang na African American ang itsura. And surely mas malakas iyon kesa sa typical na 30-year-old woman. Posible para sa kanya. Posible rin para sa akin. Magdududa pa ba ako e meron akong DIYOS na sobrang FAITHFUL. Tried, tested, and proven.
So ngayon…mental health, kailangang alagaan. Tapos yung physical fitness, malaki din ang epekto sa isip mo….The three have to work synergistically…MIND, BODY, SPIRIT.
Matuto na kapag heartbroken, o nagagalit, o feeling defeated, HUWAG HAYAANG mahinto sa strength training. Grabeng discipline at pagbabantay sa lagay ng isip ang kailangan.
Willing ako. Gawin natin. Kesa pagdating ng 70, nakaratay sa kama, nakabalot sa maraming sakit.
Yung kinakain….Tsk. Yun yung sobrang challenge ngayon. Ang hilig ko sa junk food, sa fast food. Pero mahilig din ako sa mga veggie spring rolls. Siguro dun ako magsisimula. Magprepare ng healthy food na enjoy ko kainin. In fairness, matagal na ‘kong hindi kumakain ng Choc Nut. Yun nga lang puro chichirya kami ng anak ko nung nagkita kami kanina para mag-brainstorm sa isinusulat na mga nobela. Hinto na dapat pagkatapos nito.
Tanggal PUYAT. SLEEP WELL!! Kaya ko ba? E andar ng andar yung isip ko? Yan yung sobrang challenge.
Pero iisipin ko lang, mamimili ako. Gusto ko bang lumakas o manguluntoy pag setenta anyos na?
Yung kausap mo sarili mo lagi sa isip mo. AWARE KA sa gusto mong mangyari. Ako kasi noon, mas iniiisip ko yung expectations sa akin ng ibang tao: asawa ko, mga anak ko, mga kaibigan, mga estudyante, mga kasamahan sa ministry. Parang walang sariling lugar yung pagkatao ko kasi yung buhay ko araw-araw punung-puno ng mga boses at mga concerns ng ibang tao.
So hayun. Naubos. Naupos. Nagkasakit nang bongga mentally.
Sobrang lesson iyan, hindi na dapat payagan. O heto. Sa iyo na nagbabasa nito: Pag may nakita kang babaeng mataba, huwag mong pagtawanan ha? Huwag mong laitin. Kadalasan kasi, yung timbang ng isang babae, apektado yan ng kalagayan ng isip niya. Kung hurting. Kung heartbroken. Kung minamaliit lagi kaya mababa ang tingin sa sarili. Kung insecure sa maraming bagay kasi hindi minahal nang tama, hindi nakaramdam ng sapat na pagmamahal at pagtanggap mula sa mga taong malapit sa kanya.
Magkakaugnay lahat iyan. (Makinig ka sa “The Blue Balloon Channel”sa YouTube kapag inumpisahan na namin yung serye ng mga diskusyon tungkol sa DEPRESSION at MENTAL HEALTH.)
Pansamantala, ito muna yung ishe-share ko sa iyo…Yung paborito kong picture ko nung nagfi-fitness training pa ‘ko.
Kaya susubok ulit. Susubok nang susubok nang susubok nang susubok. Pag dumausdos, tatayo ulit. Magsisimula ulit. Wala nang hintuan.
Mas mahal ko na ang sarili ko ngayon…. kesa noon.
Salamat sa Diyos. 💌
(Importante ang kundisyon ng ISIP sa anumang strength training lifestyle attempt. Salamat, Logan Christopher nglegendarystrength.com)
[Pa-bonus lang sa iyo mula sa ‘kin, hehe. ‘Pag nagwo-workout ka, patugtugin mo yung mga paborito mong upbeat music. Suggestion ko, yung puro positive messages lang. Mga godly na lyrics yung laman ng kanta. Kasi papasok sa spirit and mind mo yung negativity kung puro tungkol sa drugs tsaka illicit sex yung pinakikinggan mo. Nagdadala rin ng low mood yung ganun subconsciously. Gawa ka sa YouTube ng playlist mo. Tapos i-loop mo hanggang matapos yung routine mo for the day. Ayun lang…Enjoy! Happy beat itong “Be My Baby” ni Shaun Cassidy (I love this song!) kaya happy rin ako na aalis ka sa page ko nang masaya. You are loved by the Lord Jesus!🧡kmc]
Alam mo yung thought na ‘pag mag-i-Ingles ka, sasabihin Inglisero ka masyado. Hindi ka maintindihan nung mga gusto mong makaintindi sa iyo. ‘Pag nag-Tagalog ka naman, parang hindi mo sure kung mari-reach mo yung target audience mo kasi bibihira na lang ngayon yung mga Pinoy na mahilig magbasa, hahaha! Puro nasa TikTok.
Kaya naisip ko, balansehin. Pinoy ako, e. Ang takbo pa rin ng utak ko, Tagalog. Masaya. May peace. Naisusulat mo sa sarili mong wika yung mga bagay na gusto mong sabihin.
Ewan ko ba, ang daldal ko. Yung isip ko, panay ang andar. Hindi humihinto. Maliit pa ‘ko, ganun na e. Kaya nga noon sa school, mula pa kinder yan ha, sobrang traumatic sa kin madalas yung pumasok sa eskwela. Kasi naman, sa sobrang kadaldalan ko noon, palaging naisusulat yung pangalan ko sa board. Standing Girls! Talking Girls! Tatayo ka lang para magtapon ng papel sa basurahan, Standing Girls ka na agad. Kainis, di ba? (Yung makulit na naka-ribbon at nakatungo diyan sa pic sa itaas, ako iyan. Kinder ako diyan.)
So hayun…
Yung mga nagfla-flashback na memory gusto kong isulat muna dito sa Tagalog bago ko igawan ng poem yung ilan. Excited akong maging magaling sa poetry writing. Sobrang dream ko iyan. Tsaka therapy din para sa akin. Kapag naisulat ko na sa poem yung isang bagay na nasa isip ko (na ako lang ang nakakaintindi, haha), ang saya. Para akong nanganak….nahirapan pero may nailabas mula sa pagkatao ko na isang bagay na sobrang precious sa akin.
Salita lang ang ginamit. Di ba ang tipid? Ayun lang–gastos nang kaunti sa wifi.
Informal Tagalog itong gagamitin ko rito sa Blue Book ko ha? Para madaling maglabas ng naiisip. Hindi kailangang edit ng edit…di katulad pag Ingles o formal Tagalog yung sinusulat mo.
Mas malaya.
Practice na ‘ko ng practice magsulat ng mga iniisip sa Tagalog kasi may ilalabas akong Tagalog novel. Excited ako, tungkol din sa mental health yon…Mga issues na ayaw pag-usapan ng karamihan, pero nandiyan. Excited much. Lalo na sa pag-develop ng mga characters nung nobela. Umaandar na yung utak ko dito sa part na ‘to.
Shaks….meron bang ibang tao out there na katulad ko??? Isip ng isip, hindi humihinto? Siguro nga kasi writer. Tanggapin ang kalagayan, haha.
Siya. Hanggang dito na muna ako at gabi na. May naisip akong ideya …. Itong mga pics na ipopost ko rito, may kadikit na memory. Isulat ko kaya…baka maging part pa nung nobela.
Okey din yung sulat ng sulat. Kasi, yung panahong mag-isa ka lang, parang hindi ka rin mag-isa. Kausap mo sarili mo, yung screen (papel kung sa notebook ka nagsusulat), at yung imaginary reader mo. Masaya rin…
Sulat ulit ako bukas. Hala, nakakatuwa pala ‘to…Nakakabawas ng mga naiisip.
God bless you #kamilawriting and friends. (Isama mo na yung sarili mo lagi sa blessing, kailangan mo yun.) Bukas ikuwento mo naman yung tungkol sa blue balloon.
Here again. It is so good to be home after so many years! Home is where the heart is, so to speak. So this is what coming out of a long bout with depression looks like. You get to reconnect with an old self you barely knew then; an old self that feels even more like a stranger to you now. An old me that I think Jesus wants me to cherish because that’s who He made me to be. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you throw out the best of who you are. That’s not what the Holy Spirit meant when He wrote through Paul, “If anyone be in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.”
I think that’s it. I groped around for the true meaning of that Bible verse; a move that led me down a skewed path. I tried to be the best Christian I could be by denying the best parts of who I was! There is this huge box cut out for you as a gospel minister to just hop into. Leave the past behind; walk in the new; what does that even mean for most people? If you leave the past behind, make sure you don’t leave your soul behind and then allow public expectation (or even legitimate need) to mold you into what you think others need you to be. For all you know, that is not exactly what they think they need! It’s just you! All you, having this unholy and awful conversation with yourself. For decades! And I call it unholy because look where it’s taken me — a downward spiral into severe depression that Jesus had to arrest and rescue me from. He still continues to rescue me from it daily.
(credit to Artur Aldyrkhanov of Unsplash for this photograph)
I just wish all the writing I’m doing now is going to stir up a new poem from inside of me this coming week. I want to write another structured one; something that you can actually sing if you add a melody to it; much like Maya Angelou’s rhythm in “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”. I so love that poem and the beat; the musicality of it. I think I’ve actually written two structured ones already; “Irena, Won’t You Sing for Me” is one of them.
I’m tired of burying myself deep down — it’s harming me inside out! So looking forward to this journey. As I write this I feel another part of me. A consciousness I had when I was younger…it is still there….amazing. I want to get to know this person even more. So much of her has been neglected over the years.
“If you do nothing, nothing will change,” Chris says to Holly in this Encourage TV flick “A Match Made at Christmas” (Loving Micah Lynn Hanson to the moon and back! Dreaming of copying her look when I get back into shape. And, Ben Rector’s “More Like Love”. Such a beautiful song!) They’re my daily companions now. Next to Jesus and His Kingdom, all that my heart wants is in this movie. I cannot remember a Christmas where my family was truly happy. There was always something brewing underneath that no one wanted to talk about. I can’t even remember the last time we put up Christmas decorations happily together. (Thinking of going for a shades-of-red-and-green palette for my new tiny house soon…So that it will be Christmas everyday there.)
Bracing myself for change and more change down the road. In Tagalog we say, “Patibayan na lang ng loob.” In essence it means that you have to be brave and courageous if you’re going to make it out there.
So. I am going to watch Christmas family movies all year round! It’s going to be a good stressbuster for me. It’ll keep me grounded, positive, steadily (and sensibly) into the things that really matter in life.
Like hope. Like faith. Like love. (More like love!)
These three. They are what really matter. Grateful to the max for the way God has preserved my faith despite everything. Without faith it is impossible to please Him. HE has made it possible for me to please HIM! It’s all HIM! Amazing God. 🧡
I only wish He sent plenty of Aunt Lillians and Patrick Weavers during my younger years. I wish they were there at the time I needed them most. But Jesus obviously has other plans. He is still writing my love story. The ending is going to be great. 💛 He said so. “The best is yet to come.” 💌
Ben Rector captures it for me right now. Thankful for where I am at this point in my life.
“If you do nothing, nothing will change.” – Chris to Holly
I’ve decided to go back to keeping a music journal. It is good food for my spirit and my soul. I was in an emotionally dead relationship for decades and it just destroyed me. The music in me gradually died and I am now fighting to put the broken pieces together. Okay. I don’t want to say “fighting”. That word sounds so stressful. I am on a journey back. Back to the person I was, back to the person who was not afraid to feel.
A life of you can’t do this, you can’t do that is just so damaging to the soul. I felt lost for so long and only my occasional attempts at writing poetry brought me the idea, the hope, that somehow I was still home.
So here I am. Listening again to the music of my soul. I am alone and it is perfectly alright…for the time being. There is no fear, there is no anxiety about being chided for how I feel, how I think, how I am. And you know what? I’ve discovered that being in that kind of daily battle erodes something in you. It’s like small rocks on a cliff…they build up in number gradually and before you know it you have a landslide. The love dies. Buried underneath a humongous pile of rocks the love dies and you don’t know how to get it back.
Discovering Ben Rector does wonders for the person that I am. Because he writes about the person that I am, wonder of wonders! I relate to a couple of his poetry-laden songs; what a lifesaver….I don’t know if we share the same faith…He talks about missing his old “Hero”…I have yet to take a look at the meaning of that song, hahaha.
But “More Like Love”…ah, it is my LSS these days…my Last Song Syndrome…can’t get it out of my head. It says perfectly what I want to be; more like Love, more quiet in my thoughts, in my heart, in my spirit, in my dreams, in my plans…
More like my First Love. My Jesus. 💛💌
I used to think I wanted to be famous I’d be recognized out in a crowd But the funny thing is every time I’ve gotten what I want it lets me down But now I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy And I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here that we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more like love
I used to think I needed all the answers I used to need to know that I was right I used to be afraid of things I couldn’t cover up in black and white
But now I just wanna look more like love I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy
I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here that we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more like love
I find the farther that I climb There’s always another line of mountain tops It’s never gonna stop And the more of anything I do The thing that always ends up true Is getting what I want, will never be enough
So I just wanna look more like love I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here that we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more like love Like love
———
#kamilawriting (Grateful to Larisa Birta of Unsplash for the photograph)
KAMILA MORE CABISADA 