Here again. It is so good to be home after so many years! Home is where the heart is, so to speak. So this is what coming out of a long bout with depression looks like. You get to reconnect with an old self you barely knew then; an old self that feels even more like a stranger to you now. An old me that I think Jesus wants me to cherish because that’s who He made me to be. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you throw out the best of who you are. That’s not what the Holy Spirit meant when He wrote through Paul, “If anyone be in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.”
I think that’s it. I groped around for the true meaning of that Bible verse; a move that led me down a skewed path. I tried to be the best Christian I could be by denying the best parts of who I was! There is this huge box cut out for you as a gospel minister to just hop into. Leave the past behind; walk in the new; what does that even mean for most people? If you leave the past behind, make sure you don’t leave your soul behind and then allow public expectation (or even legitimate need) to mold you into what you think others need you to be. For all you know, that is not exactly what they think they need! It’s just you! All you, having this unholy and awful conversation with yourself. For decades! And I call it unholy because look where it’s taken me — a downward spiral into severe depression that Jesus had to arrest and rescue me from. He still continues to rescue me from it daily.
(credit to Artur Aldyrkhanov of Unsplash for this photograph)
I just wish all the writing I’m doing now is going to stir up a new poem from inside of me this coming week. I want to write another structured one; something that you can actually sing if you add a melody to it; much like Maya Angelou’s rhythm in “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”. I so love that poem and the beat; the musicality of it. I think I’ve actually written two structured ones already; “Irena, Won’t You Sing for Me” is one of them.
I’m tired of burying myself deep down — it’s harming me inside out! So looking forward to this journey. As I write this I feel another part of me. A consciousness I had when I was younger…it is still there….amazing. I want to get to know this person even more. So much of her has been neglected over the years.
“If you do nothing, nothing will change,” Chris says to Holly in this Encourage TV flick “A Match Made at Christmas” (Loving Micah Lynn Hanson to the moon and back! Dreaming of copying her look when I get back into shape. And, Ben Rector’s “More Like Love”. Such a beautiful song!) They’re my daily companions now. Next to Jesus and His Kingdom, all that my heart wants is in this movie. I cannot remember a Christmas where my family was truly happy. There was always something brewing underneath that no one wanted to talk about. I can’t even remember the last time we put up Christmas decorations happily together. (Thinking of going for a shades-of-red-and-green palette for my new tiny house soon…So that it will be Christmas everyday there.)
Bracing myself for change and more change down the road. In Tagalog we say, “Patibayan na lang ng loob.” In essence it means that you have to be brave and courageous if you’re going to make it out there.
So. I am going to watch Christmas family movies all year round! It’s going to be a good stressbuster for me. It’ll keep me grounded, positive, steadily (and sensibly) into the things that really matter in life.
Like hope. Like faith. Like love. (More like love!)
These three. They are what really matter. Grateful to the max for the way God has preserved my faith despite everything. Without faith it is impossible to please Him. HE has made it possible for me to please HIM! It’s all HIM! Amazing God. 🧡
I only wish He sent plenty of Aunt Lillians and Patrick Weavers during my younger years. I wish they were there at the time I needed them most. But Jesus obviously has other plans. He is still writing my love story. The ending is going to be great. 💛 He said so. “The best is yet to come.” 💌
Ben Rector captures it for me right now. Thankful for where I am at this point in my life.
“If you do nothing, nothing will change.” – Chris to Holly
I’ve decided to go back to keeping a music journal. It is good food for my spirit and my soul. I was in an emotionally dead relationship for decades and it just destroyed me. The music in me gradually died and I am now fighting to put the broken pieces together. Okay. I don’t want to say “fighting”. That word sounds so stressful. I am on a journey back. Back to the person I was, back to the person who was not afraid to feel.
A life of you can’t do this, you can’t do that is just so damaging to the soul. I felt lost for so long and only my occasional attempts at writing poetry brought me the idea, the hope, that somehow I was still home.
So here I am. Listening again to the music of my soul. I am alone and it is perfectly alright…for the time being. There is no fear, there is no anxiety about being chided for how I feel, how I think, how I am. And you know what? I’ve discovered that being in that kind of daily battle erodes something in you. It’s like small rocks on a cliff…they build up in number gradually and before you know it you have a landslide. The love dies. Buried underneath a humongous pile of rocks the love dies and you don’t know how to get it back.
Discovering Ben Rector does wonders for the person that I am. Because he writes about the person that I am, wonder of wonders! I relate to a couple of his poetry-laden songs; what a lifesaver….I don’t know if we share the same faith…He talks about missing his old “Hero”…I have yet to take a look at the meaning of that song, hahaha.
But “More Like Love”…ah, it is my LSS these days…my Last Song Syndrome…can’t get it out of my head. It says perfectly what I want to be; more like Love, more quiet in my thoughts, in my heart, in my spirit, in my dreams, in my plans…
More like my First Love. My Jesus. 💛💌
I used to think I wanted to be famous I’d be recognized out in a crowd But the funny thing is every time I’ve gotten what I want it lets me down But now I just wanna look more like love
I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy And I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here that we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more like love
I used to think I needed all the answers I used to need to know that I was right I used to be afraid of things I couldn’t cover up in black and white
But now I just wanna look more like love I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy
I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here that we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more like love
I find the farther that I climb There’s always another line of mountain tops It’s never gonna stop And the more of anything I do The thing that always ends up true Is getting what I want, will never be enough
So I just wanna look more like love I just wanna look more like love This whole world is spinning crazy I can’t quite keep up It’s the one thing around here that we don’t have quite enough of So I just wanna look a little more like love Like love
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#kamilawriting (Grateful to Larisa Birta of Unsplash for the photograph)
KAMILA MORE CABISADA 